Small things that just mean I'm thinking...

ughhh... I'm so tired! I haven't worked 14 hrs straight in a long time... since we had 3-4 people to a shift. Overtime, baby. I just wish my body wasn't so sore.

Y'know, I was thinking about my life and the way I view everything and it seems like it's separated into two separate time periods. Before, I was living behind a veil, and then it was slowly removed and now... I see everything differently.
For instance, the old Amanda:

• Found small, insignificant things nerve-wracking and became embarrassed at the smallest hint of attention. (I'm not an attention-monger now, I just don't fear it)
• Never thought about astrological signs or how they affected people and when, etc.
• Hated to do things alone (ex: eat out, approach strangers, entertain herself)

Don't fret! I'm still me, I'm just much more laid back in that I don't worry about things that can't be changed, y'know? I screw up, do irresponsible things, and I move forward. (A little Relient K really helps, too.)

Hey, here's a super-cool bullet list to prove I'm Amanda. I still:

• procrastinate like crazy (ughh)
• slack off on schoolwork (I have schoolwork?? weird...)
• find it physically and emotionally impossible to wake early (darn)
• love, love, love the sky
• have abnormal amounts of patience where others don't ( children and 'slow people')
• have abnormal shortages of patience with self-inflicted stupidity
• cannot abide familial abuse in any way... at all. I'll cut you, yo.

I know, useful blog. Oh, by the way, my new clutch and me are NOT friends. I hate it.

Torrential Outpour Blues...

One of the things I love about Texas is how, out of the blue, it starts raining like crazy in the middle of the day. It will rain so hard you can't see three feet in front of you, then stops two minutes later. This happened on the way home from picking up my check today, and it was beautiful. Sure I couldn't see anything, but it was still lovely. It's like your car is driving on a lake (more like a river I guess), and instead of seeing the road all you see is water... and you're floating. Until your car is like 'Woah... I'm not Jesus!' and hydroplanes, of course.
It's those moments that microscopic bits of beauty are blown up and you see it all clearly.

My car makes me cry... alot

So... here's a rundown of my awesome day.
slept til....12:00 pm- I'm terribly sick, think I'm dying... take a two hour bath... didn't die
2:00 pm- get out of bath tub because Turkey has taken over my bath with squirting toys and bubble bath barges.
7:00 pm- go to work on my day off because KYLE won't quit breaking bones.. really.. stop. Anyways.. get conned into closing because.... I'm easy.
4:00 am- finally finish closing... start driving home only to find that.. oh!.. my car is a terrorist and against all things that are good and right... like making it home. At this point, my options are limited.
4:30 am- still weighing my options since I lost my phone two weeks ago. I've got time, right?
I could:
a) walk 10 miles home
b) get shot for knocking on some one's door in the middle of the night, or
c) wait for someone to stop. They didn't. Whoever said Texans were friendly and crap was lying to you! I won't rape you for godsakes just give me a ride or something!
Anyways... I finally get home, only to find that I was locked out. Thanks. Good thing I leave my window open, yo.

Gimme Some Truth

It became gloriously clear to me today. I feel like I've been waiting... waiting to start my life.. waiting to live and be. Be.. happy.. content.. free. I know.. cliche... but not really. Not really at all. When I walked out of that stifling building into the sunlight it was perfect. For the first time, I'm going to live and you can't stop me. Just gimme some truth!


P.S. (For all of you who don't know what I'm referring to... I had great closure today at one of our 'mandatory meetings' for TB. I'm quitting that stupid job with it's stupid people, and I feel great. Life is too short to be waiting to live, waiting to do everything you want to do. Money doesn't really matter.. I just want to be happy, yo. A little to idealistic, I know, but I'll figure it out.)

Urges that Collide at the Height of Inspiration

The last few days I've felt an insatiable urge to go to Levita. Take last night for instance. I was on 110 with my windows down and the music up, and I felt like I was there. Everything felt simple like it does when I'm with my family. It's that feeling of traveling backwards in time to the place where everything belonged together (whether I liked it or not) and I wasn't constantly looking for love. I hate feeling like I'm looking for love in the next lane over or at the grocery store, just beyond that bunch of ketchup bottles. There aren't any men in or around Levita *at all*, so I feel free to be content and open in a way that doesn't happen anywhere else. The creek's smooth, mossy bottom transforms my childhood dream from living in a tree-mansion to dreaming of a house on the creek. In that creek... as near to beauty as possible.

Sliding through currents on mossy rock is pretty fun, too.

Great Shots

I got some great shots today. I took a drive down my favorite country road.. the one that leads to Clark's Ferry. In the daylight it's transformed from an eery backroad full of ghosts into warmth and light. It didn't mind when I rolled down my windows to be closer to its trees. It didn't even protest my loud music that didn't stop when I photographed it's comfortable beauty. My favorite part of the journey comes about five miles down when the road is too narrow to go anywhere but forward, and the trees arch around me in a close, shaded hug. It seems like I could be anywhere, anytime and all I have to do to get there was think it. If only every road were as magical as this one.

Clark's Ferry is being sold. The For Sale sign lists the reason '...too much trouble'. Hey, good marketing skills. The drive just before it boasts a sign that states 'Private Property. Poisonous Gas' just above the cattle guard. I wonder; how do the cows feel about this?

I'll post some pictures after I develop them tomorrow.. if I don't botch the developing. If I can find a cord that fits my scanner.

The Current State of Things

Summertime in East Texas is irresistably beautiful, no matter how miserably humid it is. With the beautiful wildflowers and green, green grass it's impossible not to fall in love with the place I call home. For some species, though, summer marks a time of struggling and death. Turtles, for one, and armadillos are continuously seen lying dead on various country roads. I don't know why this bothers me so much. Maybe it's because I have a SOUL and don't intentionally murder innocent animals on my way to work! All they want to do is cross the road, and you have to go and make trouble, you redneck idiot. Those people (you know who you are, massive dodge pickup with inferiority issues, not the need to haul big things) who swerve OUT OF THEIR WAY to run over a young turtle are cruel, heartless pricks, and most likely continue their blood shed by chopping down trees in random pastures for funsies. Not cool at all...
*Now for a random subject change that will most likely leave you scratching your head in confusion*
Probably the only real motto we have at Taco Bell is, 'If you're going to throw up, be a team player and do it on the line so we can all go home.' I love the great sense of teamwork we have... and of course this all relates to the habitual summertime slaughter of innocent animals!
So I should be writing, you know, starting my 'life's work' or some such nonsense. I should be doing work that means something, anything, because I only have a few years before my stale life is laid out for me. What am I going to do?? Work, go to school, and stumble through it the best I can, but I want more. More, more, more, more like a mantra.