For Every Occasion

Fuck easy friends.

Fuck feeling stupid.

Fuck having cum in my hair.

That's all.

Meditation Happens

When I'm at that point where I can't stop tortuously up heaving thoughts or red-faced tears, I turn out all the lights, go into the shower and curl up, letting the water run down my hair, my face till it trickles down my legs and pools beneath me for a moment before escaping.

Once I've assured myself there are no scary spiders or boogies ready to pounce on me in the darkness, I let myself revel in whatever tumultuous emotion prompted my emo-kid scene. Just for a second, I believe my tears are completely deserved until I really feel the water beating down on me. I think... it must be streams and streams of tears from all of the people who have felt the effects of homicide, genocide, rape, starvation, violence, utter hopelessness.

Again I feel the water flowing down my form, this time as the world's tears, and everything is quiet inside me.

I'm completely calm now, smiling at the oneness of the universe.

I turn off the water, tears, revelations and turn on the lights to look at myself, soaking wet, and smile with truth.

Till We Have Faces

I am Orgual.

I hate the Ungit flowing through me and hate the gods that steal my selfish love.

I have my sick Bardia fantasies that betray Ansit and feed my rotting soul.

I blindly nod my head at Fox's teaching while knowing (I've seen proof through the clouds) the gods exist, however unjust they make themselves appear. I believe that makes me a hypocrite... practicing the Birthing while thinking in Fox's greek way.

I write my foolish book of complaints against the gods, all the while not knowing what I'm really saying.

Pretty much, C.S. Lewis is a genius. Here's an excerpt you must read:

'A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?'

God, my mind is exploding with the amazingness... borrow/buy/steal this book!

Currently

Because I love lists...

Currently reading:

The Book Nobody Read: Chasing the Revolutions of Nicolaus Copernicus. This book makes me sad that I won't be taking astronomy in the fall. Damn the economy!

Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis. It's basically retelling the story of Cupid and Psyche.

Currently watching:

Blue whales give me shivers. The good kind. :)

Currently looking for:

A second job.

Another car... that I can afford with or without the second job.

A decent fuck buddy that doesnt come with all the stressful strings attached... something I'll probably never find.

and.... of course what we're all (constantly, obsessively) searching for. Love. Something else I'll never find....

I think I'll settle for celibacy and a hammock. Oh god that's impossible... Nevermind.

Revision: I think I'll settle for the sulking/meditation combo followed by a determined step in the right direction. Yeah... that's do-able.

Also! Sometimes... you just have to say a cleansing "Fuck you."